'Gilmore Girls' Season 6, Episode 19: I Get a Sidekick Out of You

Directing and writing credits:
"I Get a Sidekick Out of You" is directed and written by Amy Sherman-Palladino, a woman I've been in a love-hate relationship with since this episode aired sixteen years ago. I could have overlooked the Luke/April nonsense and Rory's steadily increasing narcissism, but pretending that I am OK with Lane legally binding herself to a walking, talking, tighty-whitey shit smear? That's a bridge too far, Amy! At least she's not to blame for Lane's tragic sex life in S7. David S. Rosenthal will receive a poison pen letter for those heinous crimes when the time comes.

Most batshit crazy outfit:
Mrs. Kim makes Lorelai paranoid about showing too much ass and titties at Lane's wedding, so she ends up wearing a brown dress that would be painfully boring if not for the giant, dressage ribbon-adorned cumberbund. Her tiny pink "Hi, I'm not a whore" purse looks like the bastard offspring of Polly Pocket and a bottle of Curious by Britney Spears. Admittedly, I'm into her frosted brown lipstick, which looks like it could be MAC's Spanish Fly.

Lane's second wedding dress is not my favorite, but at least Lorelai's alterations give it a shape that somewhat resembles the female form. What bothers me most are the baggy lace sleeves and the weird seam bisecting her breasts into two nondescript lumps. The wrinkled dress and homespun blazer Rory wears isn't much better. I found the entire ensemble cool in 2006, but the Anthropologie clearance rack had me in a chokehold back then and my opinion was not trustworthy.

If you're wondering whether Zack brushed his hair before the wedding, the answer is no, but at least his suit fits.

Most irritating Rory or Lorelai moment:
Rory's most grievous offense is saying "I'm outie" when she leaves the newsroom for Lane's wedding. I don't know whether to blame "Reality Bites" (1994), "Clueless" (1995), or LL Cool J for popularizing this phrase.

Lorelai makes an ass out of herself at Lane's wedding, blathering on sadly about how "happy" she is to see a twenty-two-year-old get married while she wastes more years of her life on someone with insurmountable commitment issues. Considering tequila was involved, I suppose we should just be thankful she didn't start twerking into the microphone stand.

Number of times Rory or Lorelai treat their BFF like shit:
Shockingly, Rory plays the role of supportive friend sans caveats. She could have planned a more exciting bachelorette party for Lane, but I won't hold it against her since the entire shindig must have come together in weeks. Considering both bride and groom end the night playing foosball at Brian's aunt's house, I must retract everything I said about Dean and his friends drinking a case of beer in the JCPenney parking lot pre laser tag.

Paris shows up in the newsroom for a hot second and begrudgingly accepts Rory's rejection of a point/counterpoint piece on the benefits/pitfalls of professorial tenure. Paris reasons, "Remember professor Leavers? He got tenured and lost all interest. Just sat there doughy and sleepy. It was like being taught by Jimmy Kimmel." This burn at least warranted a golf clap, but editor Rory is no nonsense.

Lorelai does Sookie a solid and calls her house to check up on the new babysitter who is probably drunk, a crackhead, or a sex worker. No amount of money would make working for Sookie and Jackson worth the hassle. They seem like the deranged type to buy teddy bear nanny cams for the "safety" of their kids.

Best literary or pop culture references:
There are several good lines related to "American Gigolo" (1980), which was on the bachelorette party itinerary until Sookie got the time wrong. They could have entered the theater late, but "'American Gigolo' without the gig-o-down-low is pointless." I get where she's coming from, although Karina Longworth disagrees. I also chortled at Lorelai texting Chris, incessant Sidekick stalker, "Your daughter is about to see Richard Gere's penis. Enjoy your celery."

Stars Hollow weirdness:
Kirk has a new entrepreneurial venture called "Yummy Bartenders," whose mission is to bring "truly yummy bartenders to the lonely women of Stars Hollow." Make the sentiment gender inclusive and I'm onboard. Only ... why are these men wearing shiny garbage bag pants and glitter-trimmed bolero jackets? I can't properly assess their yumminess unless there are visible dick outlines.

Babette is weirdly MIA, but Patty has one small scene at the wedding where she divulges that she sat in church all night to avoid the "fifty-eight seats and sixty-two Koreans" problems. A normal person would have brought some folding chairs with them, but everyone in Stars Hollow suffers from lead poisoning, so ...

Sharpest insult or one-liner:
There is nothing bitchier than giving your wedding date strict instructions about her appearance and then ditching her at the last minute for Celine Dion.

Michel: I'm just saying, tomorrow is a very special day. You need to be perfect.
Lorelai: OK, I'm not getting married, Michel.
Michel: I know that, but you are going to be with me, and I'm going to look fantastic, and you know that who you are with is always a reflection of yourself, and I don't want my reflection to look like Judy Garland, the Mark Herron years.

I don't want to stereotype, but it's just not believable to me that a straight man is capable of crafting a deep cut Judy Garland burn like this.

Books mentioned/books Rory is reading:
Apparently, Yale University is where Sylvia Plath, Colette, and Jane Austen go to die. If Rory has no time for pleasure reading now, how sad is her life going to look if she ever gets an office job?

Best song of the episode:
Kyon and Brian dancing to Blondie's "Heart of Glass" (and then later making out) is the energy I need in my life right now. I'm surprised the writers didn't make them get married when they were grasping for ideas in S7.

Thoughts:
It's official: Lane is now married to Spicoli's anoxic twin. Pretty soon, they'll be fucking for the first time on a cold, sandy, crab-infested beach, trying in vain to remember how condoms work. But hey, at least they got to have a party with a White Stripes cake and an embarrassing speech from the maid of honor's drunk mom. Cheers to this doomed marriage, a prison of their own creation!

I'm still in disbelief that not only does Mrs. Kim approve of this marriage, she's excited about it. She wouldn't let Lane eat french fries or wear nail polish, but has come to accept a mediocre white musician as her son-in-law. If Kirk doesn't count as a man, then how does Zack pass muster? Mrs. Kim is probably just happy that Lane won't be one of those reprehensible "unmarried wom[e]n of a certain age" like Lorelai.

In the episode's opening scene, the Kim household wedding preparations are in full swing. Aunt Joon (Denice Kumagai) is making kimchi magic happen, Lane is busy reading Bible passages, and Lorelai has managed to drop off the altered wedding dress minus confrontation. When Lane's grandmother calls, the entire vibe shifts and Mrs. Kim is instantly on the precipice of an anxiety attack. I've never considered the parents responsible for producing Mrs. Kim, but a grouchy, conservative Buddhist who wants everything done to her exact specifications makes sense (and slightly increases my empathy for Mrs. Kim).

The writers needed a way to bring Lorelai and Christopher back together before the season finale shit storm and "Sidekick" does it in a way that is mostly believable. With Kirk off the table, Lorelai forces Michel to accompany her to the wedding. He's initially jazzed at the prospect of showcasing his Daft Punk dance moves and outdressing the bride and groom, but drops Lorelai like a hot potato as soon as Celine Dion tickets are on the table. Faced with the prospect of staying home or pissing off the elder Kims, Rory hits up Christopher via the sponcon Sidekick and invites him to the wedding on Lorelai's behalf.

It's interesting to me that in the span of one season, Christopher went from being persona non grata to incessantly texting updates from the canned peas aisle. I guess it's easy to worm your way back into someone's life when money is involved. Like most of the men on this show, it probably also helps that Chris' I.Q. appears to have dropped forty points between seasons five and six. My hypothesis is that his money actually came from a head injury settlement; the dead grandfather story is just a ruse.

Aside from trying to decipher her addled father's inane acronyms (TPTDI), Rory doesn't have much to do this episode. For once, her drama takes a backseat to Lane's happiness (if that's what we're calling it). She's still angry at Logan, who is currently in Costa Rica, and declines Rosemary and Juliet's invitation to meet the LDB fuckwits at the end of their trip in grass skirts and coconut bras.

Per usual, Rory lets Lorelai and Sookie handle a bulk of the prep work for Lane's bachelorette party, presumably using school and general incompetence as excuses for not doing more. Lorelai assembles the "LAST FLING" goody bags, complete with shiny tiaras, bubble wands, and giant wiener cookies c/o Sookie. If "American Gigolo" and Dell's Bar had worked out, it would have been a pretty OK night, but everything falls through after supplies (sadly no Zima) are procured at Doose's. The writers missed a great opportunity to revisit the drag bar from Lorelai's bachelorette party, further preempting her "it's really hard to get married" meltdown.

Lane's actual ceremonies aren't super eventful, but there are a few moments worth discussing. Wedding number one is a traditional Korean Buddhist wedding where Lane and Zack both wear hanboks and the officiant is Tran (Ralph Ahn), Nick's friend from "New Girl" who doesn't talk. It looks like they have a paebaek ceremony and generally follow the customs outlined on the internet, but can anyone comment on the accuracy?

The second wedding is held in a church and I assume contains all of the Jesus-y drivel that Mrs. Kim (figuratively) masturbates to. The highlight is when she pulls Lane aside and gives her a brutal speech about how sex is an obligation that, if lucky, she'll only have to fulfill once. I equally blame the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit for this cursed union and everything that follows

Everyone has a great time at the reception, eating hot dogs and chips from communal bowls, until Rory whips out her camera. In the quest to make sure she doesn't look like Rhoda, Lorelai spots a photo of Rory and April that makes her beeline for Jose Cuervo. (They don't brand drop, but trust me: Lorelai's a Cuervo girl.) We're to believe that although it couldn't possibly have happened, Rory managed to snap a picture with April at Jess' open house, causing Lorelai to shame spiral because everyone but her has properly met Luke's kid. Despite this manufactured nonsense, it's depressing to see Lorelai get up on stage and word vomit her relationship woes onto most of the town.

Even in her blackout speech, she's not straightforward! It's all passive garbage like, "I'm not getting married. No, it ain't for me. It's not in the cards. But, hey, do you know what date I'm not getting married? June 3rd." She needs to take a page out of Midge Maisel's book and really spill the fucking tea without pretense. Tell everyone about how you tossed Luke's salad and he still won't let you meet his kid. If you're going to interrupt someone else's reception with a narcissistic rant, at least make it scandalous.

This forty-five minute long Sidekick advertisement ends with Rory learning about Logan's colossally stupid injury and rushing off to see him at a hospital in New York. Lorelai takes a middle-of-the-night call from Luke where she tells him, "The wedding was great," shoving the sadness down even deeper because that's how healthy people deal with their emotions. If I'm still this stunted at thirty-eight, someone please bludgeon me to death with the big Buddha.

Random observations:

• Nothing says parents' night out like, "Well, we could make it more adult, you know? Peek-a-boo, take a shot. That could be fun." For Christopher, who has brain damage, maybe. For anyone else, no.
• Flying from South Korea to Connecticut does not seem like the kind of thing you'd do on a whim the day before a wedding, but I'll suspend my disbelief.
• Lorelai convinced me that this was a super cool way to carry my Virgin Mobile cell phone ~junior year of high school.

• I think Lane's bachelorette party shirt says, "I'm marrying a musician - talk me out of it." Had I been in Stars Hollow that day, Lane would have gone full "Runaway Bride" on Zack's ass.
• There is one older man in the kitchen when Mrs. Kim and Lane's aunts are preparing for the wedding. My husband speculates that this is the ever elusive Mr. Kim and is surprised it isn't a prevalent fan theory.

• I hate when, after Lorelai's cute "Chico and the Man" story, Chris remarks that Rory and Lane still have plenty of time to get in a dumb fight that irreparably screws up their friendship. Who the fuck says something like this? A person with a brain injury who no longer understands social norms, that's who.
• I went down a Sidekick rabbit hole. This Complex article is a good read.
• I also went down a Nanette Lepore hole because much of the Gilmore wardrobe (including Rory's tapestry coat) came from her label and I wondered what happened to it.
• I had this exact thought while watching:

• My husband, when Mrs. Kim says Zack better make Lane happy: "He won’t. It will be a string of disappointments like you won’t believe."
• "Yummy. Way too yummy." 🍹